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1 Boy do I have a treat for you guys!
2 If this works you can send thanks to emeli@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu for
3 bringing it to you, though I did not transcribe it.
5 "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
6 -- the strictly unofficial script of the movie,
7 done in a fit of boredom by =AHH 01Jan87=
9 The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
10 KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
11 PATSY : Terry Gilliam
12 GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
13 GUARD #2 : John Cleese
14 MORTICIAN : Eric Idle
15 CUSTOMER : John Cleese
16 DEAD PERSON : ???
17 DENNIS : Michael Palin
18 WOMAN : Terry Jones
19 BLACK KNIGHT : Michael Palin?
20 VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
21 VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
22 SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones
23 WITCH : ???
24 VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
25 NARRATOR: Michael Palin
26 SIR LANCELOT : John Cleese
27 SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
28 SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
29 GOD : ???
30 FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
31 MINSTREL : ???
32 LEFT HEAD :
33 MIDDLE HEAD :
34 RIGHT HEAD :
35 Graham Chapman
36 Terry Jones
37 Michael Palin
38 OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam
39 HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin
40 FATHER : Michael Palin
41 PRINCE HERBERT : Graham Chapman?
42 GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
43 GUARD #2 : ???
44 CONCORDE : Eric Idle
45 OLD CRONE : ???
46 ROGER THE SHRUBBER : Eric Idle
47 TIM THE ENCHANTER: John Cleese
48 BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle
49 SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin
51 Scene 1
53 [wind]
54 [clop clop]
55 ARTHUR: Whoa there!
56 [clop clop]
58 GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
59 ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
60 of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
61 of all England!
62 GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
63 ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.
64 We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
65 who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord
66 and master.
67 GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
68 ARTHUR: Yes!
69 GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
70 ARTHUR: What?
71 GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and your bangin'
72 'em together.
73 ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
74 land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
75 GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
76 ARTHUR: We found them.
77 GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
78 ARTHUR: What do you mean?
79 GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
80 ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
81 or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
82 strangers to our land.
83 GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
84 ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
85 GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
86 ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
87 GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple
88 question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
89 coconut.
90 ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master
91 that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
92 GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
93 needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
94 ARTHUR: Please!
95 GUARD #1: Am I right?
96 ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
97 GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
98 GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
99 swallow, that's my point.
100 GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
101 ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
102 at Camelot?!
103 GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
104 GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
105 GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
106 [clop clop]
107 GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
108 GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
109 GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!
110 GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
111 GUARD #2: Well, why not?
113 Scene 2
115 MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
116 [clang]
117 Bring out your dead!
118 [clang]
119 Bring out your dead!
120 [clang]
121 Bring out your dead!
122 [clang]
123 Bring out your dead!
124 [clang]
125 Bring out your dead!
126 [clang]
127 Bring out your dead!
128 [clang]
129 Bring out your dead!
130 [clang]
131 Bring out your dead!
132 [clang]
133 Bring out your dead!
134 [clang]
135 Bring out your dead!
136 [clang]
137 Bring out your dead!
138 CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
139 DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
140 MORTICIAN: What?
141 CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
142 DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
143 MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
144 CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
145 DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
146 MORTICIAN: He isn't.
147 CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
148 DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
149 CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
150 MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
151 DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
152 CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
153 MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
154 DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
155 CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
156 MORTICIAN: I can't.
157 CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't
158 be long.
159 MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
160 today.
161 CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
162 MORTICIAN: Thursday.
163 DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
164 CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
165 something you can do?
166 DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
167 [whop]
168 CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
169 MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
170 CUSTOMER: Right.
171 [clop clop]
172 MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
173 CUSTOMER: I don't know.
174 MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
175 CUSTOMER: Why?
176 MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.
178 Scene 3
180 [clop clop]
181 ARTHUR: Old woman!
182 DENNIS: Man!
183 ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
184 DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
185 ARTHUR: What?
186 DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
187 ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
188 DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
189 ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis.
190 DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
191 ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
192 you looked--
193 DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
194 ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
195 DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
196 exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
197 which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
198 If there's ever going to be any progress--
199 WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how'd you do?
200 ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
201 Who's castle is that?
202 WOMAN: King of the who?
203 ARTHUR: The Britons.
204 WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
205 ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
206 WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
207 collective.
208 DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
209 A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
210 WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
211 DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
212 ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
213 in that castle?
214 WOMAN: No one live there.
215 ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
216 WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
217 ARTHUR: What?
218 DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarchosyndicalist commune. We take
219 it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
220 ARTHUR: Yes.
221 DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
222 at a special biweekly meeting.
223 ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
224 DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
225 ARTHUR: Be quiet!
226 DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
227 ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
228 WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
229 ARTHUR: I am your king!
230 WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
231 ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
232 WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
233 ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,
234 [angels sing]
235 her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
236 from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
237 Arthur was to carry Excalibur.
238 [singing stops]
239 That is why I am your king!
240 DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
241 is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives
242 from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
243 ARTHUR: Be quiet!
244 DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
245 just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
246 ARTHUR: Shut up!
247 DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
248 because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
249 ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
250 DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
251 ARTHUR: Shut up!
252 DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
253 HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
254 ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
255 DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that,
256 eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw
257 it didn't you?
259 Scene 4
261 [arg] [ugh] [hah]
263 ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
264 I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
266 I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
267 in my courted camelot.
269 You have proved yourself worthy will you join me?
271 You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
272 BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
273 ARTHUR: What?
274 BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
275 ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
276 cross this bridge.
277 BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
278 ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
279 BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
280 ARTHUR: So be it!
281 [hah]
282 [parry thrust]
283 [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
284 ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
285 BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
286 ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
287 BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
288 ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
289 BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
290 ARTHUR: You liar!
291 BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
292 [hah]
293 [parry thrust]
294 [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
295 ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
296 [kneeling]
297 We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
298 [hah]
299 BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
300 ARTHUR: What?
301 BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
302 ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
303 BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
304 ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
305 BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
306 ARTHUR: Look!
307 BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
308 [bang]
309 ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
310 BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
311 ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
312 [whop]
313 BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
314 ARTHUR: You'll what?
315 BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
316 ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
317 BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
318 ARTHUR: You're a loony.
319 BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs!
320 Have at you! Come on then.
321 [whop]
322 [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
323 BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
324 ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
325 BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
326 bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite
327 your legs off!
329 Scene 5
331 CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
332 VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
333 CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
334 BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch?
335 VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
336 BEDEMIR: Bring her forward.
337 WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
338 BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one.
339 WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
340 CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
341 WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
342 BEDEMIR: Well?
343 VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
344 BEDEMIR: The nose?
345 VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
346 CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
347 BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this?
348 CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
349 VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
350 BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?
351 VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
352 BEDEMIR: A newt?
353 VILLAGER #3: I got better.
354 VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
355 CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
356 BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
357 she is a witch.
358 CROWD: Are there? What are they?
359 BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
360 VILLAGER #2: Burn!
361 CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
362 BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
363 VILLAGER #1: More witches!
364 VILLAGER #2: Wood!
365 BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?
367 VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
368 BEDEMIR: Good!
369 CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
370 BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
371 VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
372 BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
373 VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
374 BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
375 VILLAGER #1: No, no.
376 VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
377 VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
378 CROWD: The pond!
379 BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
380 VILLAGER #1: Bread!
381 VILLAGER #2: Apples!
382 VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
383 VILLAGER #1: Cider!
384 VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
385 VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
386 VILLAGER #2: Mud!
387 VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
388 VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
389 ARTHUR: A duck.
390 CROWD: Oooh.
391 BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically...,
392 VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
393 BEDEMIR: And therefore--?
394 VILLAGER #1: A witch!
395 CROWD: A witch!
396 BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales!
397 [yelling]
398 BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports!
399 [whop]
400 [creak]
401 CROWD: A witch! A witch!
402 WITCH: This is a fair cop.
403 CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling]
404 BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
405 ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
406 BEDEMIR: My liege!
407 ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
408 and join us at the Round Table?
409 BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored.
410 ARTHUR: What is your name?
411 BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige.
412 ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
414 [Narrative Interlude]
416 NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
417 knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
418 Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
419 Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
420 of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
421 and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill; and
422 the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed
423 a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
424 the Knights of the Round Table.
426 Scene 6
428 BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
429 ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how
430 sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
431 BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.
432 LANCELOT: Look, my liege!
433 ARTHUR: Camelot!
434 GALAHAD: Camelot!
435 LANCELOT: Camelot!
436 PATSY: It's only a model.
437 ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us
438 ride... to... Camelot.
440 [singing]
441 We're knights of the round table
442 We dance when e'er we're able
443 We do routines and parlour scenes
444 With footwork impecc-Able.
446 We dine well here in Camelot
447 We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
449 [dancing]
451 We're knights of the Round Table
452 Our shows are for-mid-able
453 Oh many times we're given rhymes
454 That are quite unsing-able
455 We not so fat in Camelot
456 We sing from the diaphragm a lot
458 [tap-dancing]
460 Oh we're tough and able
461 Quite indefatigable
462 Between our quests we [something]
463 And impersonate Clark Gable
464 It's a bit too loud in Camelot
465 I have to push the pram a lot.
467 ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
468 a silly place.
469 Right.
471 Scene 7
473 GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If
474 there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
475 ARTHUR: Sorry--
476 GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
477 "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you
478 doing now!?
479 ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
480 GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so
481 depressing. Now knock it off!
482 ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
483 GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the
484 Round
485 Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
486 ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
487 GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy
488 Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail.
489 That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail.
490 ARTHUR: A blessing!
491 LANCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
492 GALAHAD: God be praised!
494 Scene 8
496 [clop clop]
497 ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
498 GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
499 ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
500 Table. Who's castle is this?
501 GUARD: This is the castle of mumble mumble
502 ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
503 with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night
504 he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
505 GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
506 Uh, he's already got one, you see?
507 ARTHUR: What?
508 GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
509 ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
510 GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-uh (I told him we already got one)
511 ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
512 GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-uh!
513 ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
514 GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
515 silly king!
516 GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
517 GUARD: Mind your own business!
518 ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
519 by force!
520 GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
521 bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called
522 Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
523 GALAHAD: What a strange person.
524 ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
525 GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
526 food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was
527 a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
528 ???: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
529 GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh!
530 ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
531 GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush.)
532 wha?
533 GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush!)
534 [moo]
535 ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
536 [twong]
537 [mooooooo]
538 Jesus Christ!
539 Right! Charge!
540 ALL: Charge!
541 [mayhem]
542 GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
543 [twong]
544 ALL: Run away!
545 GUARD: Thpppt!
546 LANCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
547 ARTHUR: No no, no.
548 BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
550 [later]
552 [chop]
553 [rumble rumble squeak]
554 ce labon a bunny do
555 wha?
556 un codoo?
557 a present!
558 oh, un codoo.
559 oui oui hurry!
560 wha-?
561 let's go!
562 [rumble rumble squeak]
564 ARTHUR: What happens now?
565 BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Lancelet, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
566 and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only
567 by surprise, but totally unarmed!
568 ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
569 BEDEMIR: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
570 and uh....
571 ARTHUR: Oh....
572 BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
573 [twong]
574 ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
575 [splat]
576 FRENCH: Oh, haw haw haw.
578 Scene 9
580 Pictures for Schools, take 8.
581 DIRECTOR: Action!
583 NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
584 King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
585 by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required
586 if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful
587 conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that
588 they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this
589 is what they did--
590 [tromp tromp]
591 [slash]
592 WOMAN: Greg!
594 Scene 10
596 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin....
597 So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north,
598 through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
600 MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
601 He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
602 He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
603 Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
605 He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
606 into a pulp,
607 Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
608 To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
609 And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
611 His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
612 And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
613 And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
614 And his penis--
615 ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
616 Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
617 DENNIS: Anarchosyndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
618 WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.
619 ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
620 MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
621 ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
622 through.
623 ALL HEADS: What do you want?
624 MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--
625 ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
626 to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight.
627 ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
628 ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
629 ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
630 ROBIN: I am.
631 TJ:In that case I shall have to kill you.
632 GC:Shall I?
633 MP:Oh, I don't think so.
634 GC:Well, what do I think?
635 TJ:I think kill him.
636 MP:Well let's be nice to him.
637 GC:Oh shut up.
638 TJ:Perhaps-
639 GC:And you.
640 TJ:Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
641 MP:Oh, cut your own head off!
642 GC:Yes, do us all a favor!
643 TJ:What?
644 MP:Yapping on all the time.
645 GC:You're lucky, you're not next to him.
646 TJ:What do you mean?
647 GC:You snore.
648 TJ:Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
649 GC:Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
650 MP:Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
651 TJ:All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea
652 and biscuits.
653 GC:Yes.
654 MP:Oh, but not biscuits.
655 TJ:All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
656 ALL HEADS: Right!
657 TJ:He buggered off.
658 MP:So he has, he scarpered.
660 MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
661 ROBIN: No!
662 MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
663 ROBIN: I didn't!
664 MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
665 He bravely turned his tail and fled
666 ROBIN: No!
667 MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
668 ROBIN: I didn't!
669 MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
670 Bravely taking to his feet
671 ROBIN: I never did!
672 MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
673 ROBIN: Oh, lie!
674 MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
675 ROBIN: I never!
677 Scene 11
678 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
680 [boom crash]
681 [angels singing]
683 [pound pound pound]
684 GALAHAD: Open the door!
685 Open the door!
686 [pound pound pound]
687 In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
688 [squeak thump]
689 [squeak boom]
690 ALL: Hello!
691 ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
692 GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
693 ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are
694 nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
695 GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
696 ZOOT: The what?
697 GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?
698 ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget!
699 Crepper!
700 MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
701 ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
702 MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--
703 ZOOT: Away away vilatesses[?]! The beds here are warm and soft -- and
704 very, very big.
705 GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--
706 ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
707 GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
708 ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
709 GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
710 ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
711 GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
712 ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
713 hospitality.
714 GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
715 ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
716 to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
717 sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
718 protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
719 making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights.
720 Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
721 GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
722 ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please,
723 lie down. [clap clap]
724 PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
725 GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
726 ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
727 GALAHAD: B-but--
728 ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor
729 Winston, practice your art.
730 PIGLET: Try to relax.
731 GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?
732 PIGLET: We must examine you.
733 GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
734 PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
735 GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
736 PIGLET: Back to your bed!
737 GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
738 PIGLET: There's no grail here.
739 GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--
740 GIRLS: Hello.
741 GALAHAD: Oh--
742 VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello.
743 Hello.
744 Hello.
745 Hello.
746 Hello.
747 Hello.
748 Hello.
749 Hello.
750 Hello.
751 Hello.
752 Hello.
753 Hello.
754 GALAHAD: Zoot!
755 DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
756 GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
757 DINGO: Where are you going?
758 GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
759 DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
760 GALAHAD: What is it?
761 DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight
762 to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the
763 first time we've had this problem.
764 GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
765 DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
766 person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
767 have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You
768 must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
769 GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
770 DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you
771 may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
772 VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me.
773 And me.
774 And me.
775 DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
776 GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
777 DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
778 GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
779 GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
780 LANCELOT: Sir Galahad!
781 GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
782 LANCELOT: Quick!
783 GALAHAD: What?
784 LANCELOT: Quick!
785 GALAHAD: Why?
786 LANCELOT: You're in great peril!
787 GALAHAD:
788 ZOOT:
789 LANCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
790 GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
791 LANCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
792 GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
793 LANCELOT: Come on!
794 GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
795 DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
796 GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
797 LANCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
798 GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
799 DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
800 GIRLS: Yes, yes!
801 GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty
802 of them!
803 DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
804 GIRLS: Yes, yes.
805 [boom]
806 DINGO: Oh, shit.
807 [outside]
808 LANCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
809 GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
810 LANCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
811 GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
812 LANCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
813 GALAHAD: Look, my particular knight sob as much peril as I can.
814 LANCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
815 GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
816 LANCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
817 GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
818 LANCELOT: No, I'm not.
820 Narrative Interlude
822 NARRATOR: Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
823 temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King
824 Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had
825 discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously.
826 I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four,
827 really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. I mean, if the birds
828 were walking and dragging--
829 CROWD: Get on with it!
830 NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
831 scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue,
832 in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a
833 starling -oolp!
835 Scene 12
837 OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha!
838 ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
839 OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he!
840 ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
841 OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
842 ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
843 OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
844 of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
845 ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
846 OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
847 ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
848 OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha!
850 Scene 13
852 HEAD KNIGHT: Nee!
853 Nee!
854 Nee!
855 Nee!
856 ARTHUR: Who are you?
857 HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
858 ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
859 HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
860 BEDEMIR: Who are they?
861 HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and
862 Nee-wom!
863 RANDOM: Nee-wom!
864 ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
865 HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
866 ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
867 enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
868 HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
869 ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
870 HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
871 ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
872 HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
873 [chord]
874 ARTHUR: A what?
875 HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!
876 ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
877 ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
878 HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
879 never pass through this wood alive!
880 ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
881 with a shrubbery.
882 HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
883 ARTHUR: Of course.
884 HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
885 ARTHUR: Yes.
886 HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!
888 Scene 14
890 NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Lancelot.
892 FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
893 HERBERT: What, the curtains?
894 FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched
895 out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!
896 HERBERT: But, Mother!
897 FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
898 HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
899 FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When
900 I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was daft
901 to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show
902 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the
903 swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank
904 into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna
905 get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.
906 HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
907 FATHER: Rather what?!
908 HERBERT: I'd rather... just...
909 [music]
910 ...sing!
911 FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while
912 I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
913 a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
914 HERBERT: But I don't want land.
915 FATHER: Listen, Alex,--
916 HERBERT: Herbert.
917 FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we
918 can get.
919 HERBERT: But I don't like her.
920 FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
921 she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
922 HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
923 a certain... special...
924 [music]
925 ...something...
926 FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess
927 Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure
928 the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
929 GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
930 GUARD #2: Hic!
931 FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
932 GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
933 FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
934 leave.
935 GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
936 GUARD #2: Hic!
937 FATHER: Right.
938 GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
939 entering the room.
940 FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
941 GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.
942 FATHER: All right?
943 GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
944 FATHER: Yes, what is it?
945 GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
946 FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
947 GUARD #1: Uh...
948 FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
949 All right?
950 GUARD #2: Hic!
951 FATHER: Right.
952 GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
953 FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
954 GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had
955 to leave and we were--
956 FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--
957 GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
958 FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--
959 GUARD #1: Just you.
960 GUARD #2: Hic!
961 FATHER: Get back.
962 GUARD #1: Get back.
963 FATHER: Right?
964 GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
965 FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
966 GUARD #1: What?
967 FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
968 GUARD #1: The Prince?
969 FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
970 GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it
971 seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
972 FATHER: Is that clear?
973 GUARD #2: Hic!
974 GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
975 FATHER: Right.
976 [starts to leave]
977 Where are you going?
978 GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
979 FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
980 GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
981 HERBERT: But, Father!
982 FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!
983 GUARD #2: Hic!
984 FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.
986 Scene 15
988 LANCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!
989 CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
990 LANCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big
991 one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!
992 [thwonk]
993 CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
994 [fwump]
995 LANCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this
996 note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against
997 my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall
998 tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could
999 be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You
1000 shall not have died in vain!
1001 CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
1002 LANCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
1003 CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
1004 LANCELOT: Oh, I see.
1005 CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
1006 LANCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as
1007 soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
1008 particular... (sigh)
1009 CONCORDE: Idiom, sir?
1010 LANCELOT: Idiom!
1011 CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
1012 LANCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
1013 CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
1015 Scene 16
1017 LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
1018 GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
1019 LANCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot
1020 of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
1021 HERBERT: You got my note!
1022 LANCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note.
1023 HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
1024 LANCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see--
1025 HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
1026 there must be...
1027 [music]
1028 ...someone...
1029 FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
1030 HERBERT: I'm your son!
1031 FATHER: No, not you.
1032 LANCELOT: I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
1033 HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father.
1034 LANCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
1035 FATHER: Did you kill all the guard?
1036 LANCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
1037 FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.
1038 LANCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
1039 HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot, I've got a rope all ready!
1040 FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
1041 LANCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
1042 FATHER: I can understand that.
1043 HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry!
1044 FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
1045 LANCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
1046 FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
1047 LANCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
1048 FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost
1049 me a fortune!
1050 LANCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north
1051 from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
1052 FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
1053 HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot!
1054 LANCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
1055 FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country....
1056 LANCELOT: Yes.
1057 HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready!
1058 FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
1059 LANCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
1060 HERBERT: I am ready!
1061 [start to leave]
1062 LANCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding.
1063 [thonk]
1064 HERBERT: Oooh!
1065 LANCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
1066 uh, sort of carried away.
1067 FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.
1068 HERBERT: Oooh!
1069 [splat]
1071 Scene 17
1072 [wailing]
1073 FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this
1074 knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
1075 RANDOM: There he is!
1076 FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
1077 LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
1078 FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
1079 LANCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away.
1080 I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
1081 RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
1082 [yelling]
1083 FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the
1084 gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special
1085 guest here today.
1086 LANCELOT: Hello.
1087 RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
1088 [yelling]
1089 FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
1090 Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to
1091 witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
1092 wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
1093 to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
1094 a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
1095 RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
1096 FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
1097 RANDOM: He's getting better!
1098 FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
1099 recover, suddenly felt the icy hand fo death upon him,--
1100 [ugh]
1101 RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
1102 FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
1103 dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
1104 [clapping]
1105 And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess
1106 and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Lancelot of Camelot--
1107 LANCELOT: What?
1108 RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
1109 CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
1110 HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
1111 FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
1112 HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
1113 FATHER: How?!
1114 HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you...
1115 [music]
1116 FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
1117 SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
1118 FATHER: Shut up!
1119 SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
1120 He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
1121 He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
1122 He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
1123 CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way!
1124 LANCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh)
1125 CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir?
1126 LANCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha!
1127 [crash]
1128 Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
1130 Scene 18
1132 [clop clop]
1133 ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
1134 a shrubbery!
1135 [chord]
1136 CRONE: Who sent you?
1137 ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee.
1138 CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
1139 ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
1140 and I will say... we will say... 'nee'.
1141 CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
1142 ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
1143 CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
1144 ARTHUR: Nee!
1145 BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
1146 ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
1147 BEDEMIR: Noo!
1148 ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.
1149 BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
1150 ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
1151 ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee!
1152 ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
1153 ARTHUR: Um, yes.
1154 ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'nee'
1155 at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is
1156 sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
1157 considerable economic stress at this period in history.
1158 ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
1159 ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name
1160 is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
1161 BEDEMIR: Nee!
1162 ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!
1164 Scene 19
1166 ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we
1167 go now?
1168 HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
1169 But there is one small problem.
1170 ARTHUR: What is that?
1171 HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
1172 RANDOM: Nee!
1173 HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
1174 ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
1175 RANDOM: Nee!
1176 HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
1177 ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently
1178 Said Nee?
1179 HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
1180 [chord]
1181 ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
1182 HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
1183 it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
1184 two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
1185 RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
1186 HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
1187 down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
1188 [chord]
1189 ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
1190 HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
1191 ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
1192 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
1193 HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
1194 ARTHUR: What word?
1195 HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
1196 the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
1197 ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
1198 KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
1199 ARTHUR: What, 'is'?
1200 HEAD KNIGHT: No, not "is" -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
1202 Ooops I'm out of time. i'll send the rest tomorrow.
1204 Eric